Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! . . . You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. . . . You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? Matthew 23:13, 27, 33
You probably recognize these words of Jesus, the gentle Shepherd, the tenderhearted, meek and lowly Savior. How could he talk so tough to people he claimed to love? Why did he say these hard words?
Jesus said these things because they were true. His words were upsetting, difficult to receive, tough to swallow - but true. Quite often the truth must simply be told straight out, with no room for confusion or misinterpretation, to avoid the greater damage of living by lies. Jesus had an overwhelming concern for the people he was addressing. He loved them, and he wanted them to come to grips with the truth before they shipwrecked their lives and jeopardized eternity. Jesus was demonstrating tough love - a kind of love that is usually painful but very potent. In certain situations, we're called to follow his example. Careful use of tough love not only challenges others, but grows us up as well.
Pleasing People, or God?
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? . . . If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
To tenderhearted people, tough love sounds frightening and maybe even unchristian. It comes easier to those of us who are by nature tougher hearted. When we see a problem in the life of someone we love, we do not hesitate to say, "What we need here is surgery. Let's hack through his surface-level excuses with a scalpel and get right to the heart of the matter. If it causes a little bleeding, that's okay as long as the problem gets fixed. If he survives the surgery, he'll thank us later."
Hearing this, tenderhearted people panic and say to themselves, "Surgery? Scalpel? Blood? I never want to see that happen to anyone, let alone do it myself. All I want is peace and harmony. Maybe with enough hugs, the problems will solve themselves." To you tenderhearted people, God would say, "I understand your tender spirit - I made you that way. But if you're going to learn how to really love, you're going to have to sometimes get tough." Sometimes courageous faith means giving up people pleasing.
Peace at Any Price?
They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. "Peace, peace," they say, when there is no peace.Jeremiah 8:11
Tenderhearted people will go to unbelievable lengths to avoid any kind of turmoil in a relationship. If there's a little tension in the marriage and one partner asks the other, "What's wrong?" the tender one will answer, "Nothing." What he or she is really saying is this: "Something's wrong, but I don't want to make a scene." In choosing peacekeeping over truth telling, these people think they are being noble, but in reality they are making a bad choice. Whatever caused the tension will come back. The peace will get harder and harder to keep. A spirit of disappointment will start to flow through the peacekeeper's veins, leading first to anger, then to bitterness and finally to hatred. Relation- ships can die while everything looks peaceful on the surface!
Peace at any price is a form of deception. When you know you need to tell the truth, the evil one whispers in your ear, "Don't do it. He won't listen. She won't take it. It will only make things worse." If you believe those lies, you will probably kill your relationship sooner or later. Tell the truth!
Speak Truth
Therefore, putting away falsehood, let every one speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Ephesians 4:25 RS V
This command, which the Lord gave through Paul as he wrote to the young church at Ephesus, makes tenderhearted people tremble to their bones. He tells us that first, we are to stop lying to each other. Second, we are to speak the truth - "in love," Paul says in verse 15. This verse reminds us of a truth about deep relationships: the well-being of the other person is more important than the current comfort level in the relationship.
Someone's well-being and their comfort are not the same things. It takes courage to speak the truth when we know that doing so will make waves and rock canoes. But any approach other than truth telling, over time, will undermine the integrity of our relationships. A relationship built on peacekeeping won't last. Tough love chooses truth telling over peacekeeping and trusts God for the outcome. Truth telling builds relationships that will endure.
Risk Discomfort
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel - which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. Galatians 1:6-7
One of the best definitions of tough love I know is action for the well-being of the beloved. We need to love others with such devotion that we will risk our comfort level in order to protect the other person's well-being.
I once told a friend, "I'm not trying to run your life, but I'm concerned about the direction it's taking." He was so angry that he came close to leaping over the table to punch my lights out. So, man of valor that I am, I said, "Sorry, I'll never mention this again." I didn't, either, and he shipwrecked his life. I still see this friend occasionally, and many times I've said to him, "I failed you. I should have said, 'Leap over that table and deck me, if it will make you feel any better, but I'm going to tell you again that I'm concerned about your future.'" Maybe God would have used me if I had been a little more tenacious.
Don't Avoid
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. Matthew 18:15
Most of us prefer to avoid confrontation. We have a strong aversion to the very vehicle God has appointed to restore true peace between people!
Whenever you take action on behalf of another person's well-being, you are taking a big risk. The comfort level between you may drop precipitously. Over time, however, the outcome of speaking the truth in love - especially when the relationship is basically mature and healthy - is usually positive. The obstacle in your relationship turns into a building block, and the two of you reach new understandings, make new commitments and establish deeper trust. But we all know that it is much easier to write and read about tough love than actually to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with someone. Confronting people can be frightening, but God promises to be with us and help us as we do it.
Preparation Helps
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:9-10
When you prepare properly for a confrontation, you have won half the battle. You win the other half when you conduct the heart-to-heart talk sensitively. It's important that you present your concerns clearly. While these steps won't guarantee heartfelt thanks and warm fuzzies all around, they will give you the best possible chance of being listened to and respected.
First, begin with a sincere statement of commitment to the relationship. If you're talking to your spouse, tell him or her that your marriage is the most important relationship in the world to you and that you want it to get even better. If you're talking to a friend, tell him or her how much you appreciate the friendship. If you're in a work situation, tell your supervisor that you enjoy working for her, or your employee that you're glad he's on your team. In all cases, let the person you're talking to know that you're not issuing ultimatums - you're just trying to work on a problem. And ultimately, you're trying to improve a relationship.
Ministry of Reconciliation
All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.2 Corinthians 5:18-19
When you are confronting someone, make a careful, non-accusatory ex- planation of the issue as you see it. Avoid saying "you always" or "you never." State the problem as carefully as you know how, using "I feel" statements whenever possible.
Also, invite dialogue. After you have spilled your heart on the matter, ask, "Am I out to lunch on this? Do I have my facts straight? Am I missing some- thing? Am I overly sensitive?" As a pastor, I am frequently challenged and con- fronted. When I sense in the challenger an open invitation to discuss the point, usually something can be worked out. But if someone finishes off an accusation by saying, in effect, "So there - I will allow you one phone call before I sentence you to an untimely death," I feel defensive. Be fair, invite dialogue, and watch God transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and reconciliation.
